Gay or not a gay

My name is George Gluckson. I was born in Fobsk on April 27th in 1986.

How to start?

Today is 7th of June 2013 - the professional holiday of economists in Kyrgystan.

I was interested in girls since ten years old. And especially, what are they hiding, such that we boys don't have. Once we with budy caught his dog bitch were investigating her between the legs. I was disappointed - nothing special. And so my interest switched to more cute things - chess, swimming, violin.

Of course sometimes there happened cute girls, but as soon as they started to talk all magic was gone under dog's tail. So I put communication with girls to a minimum. However this didn't stop to fall in love. Quite the contrary. Mentally, it was so good, but some - intelligent, active, and with non-barbie beauty.

And boys were not attractive for me. Sometimes opposite even that I had to fight. Once in a summer camp during sleeping hour campmate staged sex competition whom penis is longer. They were masturbating under the sheets and the oldest boy was going with a ruler and measuring. But I was out of this. I was looking into a window. So guys started to call me queer.
Nevertheless there were girls who as it seemed like me. But they were not very pretty, and lost their tongues being close to me. And it was uncomfortable for me. It should be interesting and beautiful. And what shall I do with a mute?

About gays it would be little bit later. I didn't know exactly who they are, but afraid?? them and continued to fall in love with girls. At that time I was studying on the high math department and there were only few girls and not in my taste. I was inspired by women which had seen on streets, shops and trams. Everywhere.

No, I didn't offer them to bang. It was opposite feeling. Enthusiasm, joy, especially on a smile to accidental sight. I didn't even thing about sex. Such thoughts were when I was watching MTV and jerking off. Does MTV have another aim? At that time there was no good internet. Different magazines were too expensive and quickly became boring. So MTV inspired for a few times per hour.

Maybe it would be easier if I used to drink alcohol with others. However this happened not often on our department. And after vodka everything became ugly for me. And there was another way on disco-parties.

Of course, I felt myself bad. Even considered to go to whores. But when I saw them on our main street, I thought that would fuck with one of them for a lot of money of course to me. So trams, MTV and chess were enough. With violin it didn't go.

As I got access to internet I stopped watching TV. And tried to find someone through date site. I posted announcement that young intelligent not ugly fellow wants to fuck for the 1st time. Noone had answered to me. So I responded to other's advertisements. And again hadn't answer. Except once.

She was a milf. Pretty looked at least on her profile photo. I'm used to work at that time in research institute where it was no chance to fall in sober mind. And if to do it being drunk then you would better burn with shame. So we arranged a date with Angel, it was her name, in a theatre. She came on a small red car. I was wondering if now a model from MTV appears. If only. If that woman are shown on state TV channel anyone would watch it. Hm, is it's purpose same as MTV's but for different target audience. What? Here are people from TV? Great, already not useless visit here.

Oh, sorry. I'm continuing. With that milf all my desires disappeared. And there was a theatre performance about sex. 10 min before or after. Something about this. I'm hating theatre after this. Especially when in the middle of the performance my escort loudly said: "What's the bullshit. It's better to fuck for real. Let's go". "Zu ende" - I thought, - "it was so fantastisch in trams. Why did I wish something more? However, if I take this task I'd solve it to the end".

We got in a car. Driving somewhere. I'm sitting and keeping silence pretending I'm carchair. And frau asked if I'm ready. Clenching my tooth I answered "yes". She laughed and said:

- You are like grandfather and it's not interesting with you.
- Oh-h, great that I'm out of this luck.

And happy I went home. And never more used dating sites.

The first time I have met a gay when was hitch-hiking home. Quite a long time I was voting and noone picked me up. Until small lorry had stopped. Behind the wheel was a young man with thick dirty hair and small eyes. We were talking about politics. And suddenly he asked:

- Whom do you like more boys or girls?
- Girls
- And I prefer boys.
- Ok, it's useless to talk about tastes. I said hugging my backpack stronger to me.

So futher we were driving in silence. Till guy had said that he'd cross to another road, but he could drive little bit more. "If you do, I'll be grateful" - I said crossing my hands and legs. We came to next crossroads.

- So I should turn left, - driver said
- Ok, thank you very much, - I answered trying to open the door
- But wait. I could more. Drive. If you give me to suck.
- Oh, no, thanks, - I said almost breaking the door.
- So, bye, - he said and opened the door.

It's clear after this I hadn't any doubts in own sexual orientation. It happened further after I tried this with a girl.

Hmm. It was with a prostitute. One day after celebrating "Man's day" 23th of February, we stayed with a colleague together. And he asked how many girls have I fucked. When got answer "any" he couldn't believe "I've bang first time at fourteen yest old, and you ten years elder and haven't yet. Let's got to bitch". In honor of holiday he decided to give me present and pay for it. Through the Internet we found "sexy pussy". I had doubts but Victor was sure she should be good. By phone girl agreed for two. "Not at the same time, one by one" I was assured by friend. In a small shop in front of prostitute' house Victor bought a bottle of vodka, a chocolate and a soft elephant. "You should always give something to woman before this, and always have own condoms". Oh, what was a view from a window in that apartment's kitchen. Almost like here. Sexy pussy was in a blue pyjamas with gifaffes that covered her thick sides. She wasn't happy to soft elephant, drank vodka and asked to go to shower. I was first. She was waiting in bed. As I came, the first thing I wish to do is investigate that holy place. But she said "do the work first".

It was like lying in sand and making morning exercises. Suddenly she said "I'm finishing". So I also cummed. And continuing exercises. "You've finished" - girl noticed. - Yes. - So go away. Now is your friend's turn.

I was eating a chocolate and looking into a window. And Victor couldn't finish. The prostitute came to kitchen and asked me to take him off. And he was out of his mind with standing dick in condom and asked me: "You see what's the bitch. Even have you cummed?". Somehow we left. Next day Victor didn't come to work telling boss he is ill. After two month he didn't recover. Afterwards I retired.

I lost my fear of gays after the movie "Philadelphia". Hero played by Tom Hanks is a cool guy in the human sense. He helps humbled people, doesn't touch anyone with proposal to "suck". It seems he is ashamed of himself. And he is offended for this. I began to notice that some guys in the same trams, are different from others. They are dressing nicer, more attentive to others.

However after this I have met Ivanka. It was sunny day and I was sitting in a park and reading Dostoyevskiy. On the same bench one girl has sat. Everything in her were passing to each other. She smiled to my smile. On my joke she anwered by her. Word by word and we were telling 3d hour our stories. Suddenly we started to run, or loudly laugh, or do other strange things. The world outside became more interesting and playful. We went to this also easy. She said maybe joking that thought that I'm a gay. Further Ivanka said she couldn't without anything and we drunk a wine. She had menstruation but this also wasn't a barrier I didn't remember any window that night. Only neighbors came and asked not to laugh so loudly.
Next day Ivanka changed. She became serious, started to talk that she couldn't forget her previous boyfriend. If I'm sure that love her. And where did her beauty disappear. I thought it would return but after a week our relation became very tight.

It was many days ago. I lamented and considered maybe I'm really a gay, but hiding this from my self. I decided to go to correspondent night club. It was secured as state secrete. In a dark courtyard without any neonlights where you should pass 3 border of guards and armored door. Inside there were a few table with guys and girls drinking beer. I sat on free table. Soon a woman similar to Zemfira came and asked to go with her. We came to entrance and she started to abuse guard that he allowed me to enter. He shruged his schoulders with silent question "isn't he?". So Zemfira asked: "Excuse me are you a gay?" And I honestly answered: " I don't know". - "So go away".

Time passed. Pornotube became boring again. Accidentally I познайомився with a girl in a train. Her first words were: "Is it ok I would drink alcohol? I have drunk last few days". And she opened a bottle of "burn". She was funny. And I consider she wish to fuck not less than me. We had tried anal sex. It's horrible, so unhigienic. Soon she started to demand, in particular flowers and promises. And I don't know what was harder. To buy her snowdrops or promise to love till death. So I bought a rose to her and went away. I see it's becoming boring for men, so I would talk about gays.

I retired from the institute and worked in supermarket as cashier. Sometimes I was going to different parties. There people read poetry, played music. Very different people had gathered. Gays were also. When I knew that Chaykovskiy also was like this I started to play his works. So once nearly morning I was dreaming on a bed. And someone was lying closely. It was ok for such event to sleep few persons on one bed. However now it was something different.

I had feeling as being cherished by sights. Further tender touches by fingers. I was lying with closed eyes and didn't know who it was. It was so pleasantly, gently as rose-petals. But I was suspecting this is a guy. Oh my God, what would think my parents, friends, everybody around if i became really homosexualist. No! It's better don't have sex at all. With closed eyes I run away from room.

I haven't been on that parties again. I read books, watched porno, worked hard. However once my colleague persuaded me to go to night club for her birthday party. "Again there would be drunk bird's weddings to fuck and run away in the morning. This calls party. I would just dance as crazy" - I thought going there. However it was not bad in that club called Africa. Nice people were dancing to good music. Anyone goggled at no one. While my friends were drinking I was staggered on the stage. As soon a girl stood across me and started to dance similarly. I haven't been on that parties again. I read books, watched porno, worked hard. However once my colleague persuaded me to go to night club for her birthday party. "Again there would be drunk bird's weddings to fuck and run away in the morning. This calls party. I would just dance as crazy" - I thought going there. However it was not bad in that club called Africa. Nice people were dancing to good music. Anyone goggled at no one. While my friends were drinking I was staggered on the stage. As soon a girl stood across me and started to dance similarly. We were wet and went on fresh air. Her name was Paulina. Active, smart, with non-barbie beauty. Lips themself asked to kiss her. "Here you have bird's wedding" I thought. Our dances became more and more erotic. But she rejected idea to continue it somewhere in less crowded space. And I didn't ask her mobile number. She was pretending being offended and went with her friends. I knew nothing about her. But wish to meet again. So later I came to that club checked that she was not there and went to last tram.

One sunny morning I run in a park. And have seen one girl was drawing a church. That was Paulina. She also was glad to see me. Tonight we were lying dressed in bed and she was talking about her 17th years life which would be enough for few persons. Her father was killed as businessman soon after her birth. Her mother was an actresses which career broke because of Paulina childbirth. Grandpa was a communist bureaucrat and real asshole. I stroked her head. And Paulina continued talk how she loved to walk on a cemetery and sang for dead people. We celebrated sun rising by songs near a river.

Next time Paulina came after few days. Suddenly at that time I had to be on work till late night. Fucking inventory. I came early morning and found her naked in the bed with my neighbor. I undressed, turned on Chaykovskiy and went to a balcony for sun-bathing and reading "Blue salo". Soon Paulina came. She pretended to wondered. And started to explain that I mean a lot to her, that appreciate me very much. And proposed sex. In 3 person. With neighbor. I started to shout something. And remember her phrase: "You can't do it as real man, latent bugger". So I went as I looked like on a street and started to make, hm let it call, sociological research if I am a gay or not. I was running naked and asked girls if they fuck with me. But this was in name of love. Not an assault.

Aug 2012
Moscow